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Mitch Hedberg’s Best Jokes and Quotes Will Have You Laughing

mitch hedberg quotes

I used to love Mitch Hedberg. I still do, but I used to, too.

Mitch Hedberg was the funniest man in 2005. Known for his laidback stage persona and unconventional comedy style, the American stand-up comedian captivated audiences at stand-up comedy clubs.

His successful career provided a legacy that changed the face of comedy forever, despite it being short-lived. Many comics and comedy fans continue to celebrate his life to this day.

The Makings of a Phenomenon.

In Saint Paul, Minnesota, Mitchell Lee Hedberg was born on February 24, 1968. His childhood was marred by prolonged periods of treatment for a congenital heart defect. His early days were filled with anxiety because of this. A family member and his friends said he was influenced by this event in his life to use drugs (and abuse them).

A native of Florida, Hedberg began performing stand-up comedy there, where he also honed his comedy skills. He came up with his stoner dude character with his signature style of spitting one-liners, non-sequiturs, and wordplay when he moved to Seattle and went on a comedy tour.

As someone who spent a lot of his time onstage, Hedberg experienced severe stage fright – and it showed in many of his performances. His long hair covered the greater part of his face.

Instead of making eye contact with his audience, he held his head down and stared at the floor. Usually, his eyes were closed, and he hid them with coloured sunglasses. He sometimes held the microphone with ferocious shaking.

In addition to his obvious self-awareness, he saw a joke that didn’t generate laughter as a cause for criticism. Even with those quirks and self-deprecating humour, he was still very charming.

Mitch Hedberg Quotes

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  • My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the fuck’s really going on down there? Who is the real hero?
  • Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read.
  • I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
  •  I write jokes for a living, man. See I sit in my hotel at night, I think of something that’s funny and then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen’s too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain’t funny.
  • I have no problem not listening to The Temptations, which is weird.
  • I hate dreaming. Because when you wanna sleep, you wanna sleep. Dreaming is work, you know? Like, there I am, laying in my comfortable bed in my hotel room. It’s beautiful. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-kart with my ex landlord. [Listen]
  • I order the club sandwich all the time. And I’m not even a member, man. I don’t know how I get away with it. [Listen]
  • You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just gonna ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.
  • One time a guy handed me a picture, he said “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture of you is when you were younger.
  • I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
  • I used to be a hot tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that… day.
  • I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was a paperboy. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses… or two dumpsters.
  •  I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.
  • In England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smacky the Frog. It’s a lot like a bear, but it’s a frog. I think that’s a better system. I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me, and I thought “Man, I’d better play dead. Here comes that frog.” I would never say “Here comes that frog” in a horrifying manner. It’s always, like, optimistic. Like, “Hey, here comes that frog, all right. Maybe he will settle near me and I can pet him, and put him in a mayonnaise jar, with a stick and a leaf, to recreate what he’s used to.” [Listen
  •  I had one anchovy. That’s why I didn’t have two anchovies.
  • My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, but I said “No… but I want a regular banana later, so yeah.”
  • I like escalators, because an escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. There would never be an “Escalator Temporarily Out of Order” sign. Only an “Escalator Temporarily Stairs… Sorry for the Convenience.”