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350+ Dad Jokes – A Collection of Puns & Corny Jokes

Best Dad Jokes

People Say a joke is labelled a dad joke when it’s apparent or makes you groan and roll your eyes.

Dad Jokes are packed with very witty quips and cheesy but great jokes for even the most awkward of dads. Excellent for the father experts, new dads, and all the fathers-to-be, remember—you don’t have to be a dad to tell dad jokes!

dad joke is a short joke, typically a pun presented as a one-liner or a question and answer, but

Many dad jokes may be considered anti-jokes, deriving humor from an intentionally unfunny punchline.

Dad Jokes For Kids

1. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

He woke up.

2. I’m like the fabric version of King Midas.

Everything I touch becomes felt.

3. Why are elevator jokes so good?

Because they work on so many different levels.

4. When does a joke become a Dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent.

When does the punchline become apparent?

After the delivery.

5. I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.

Needless to say, I’m ex-static.

6. Why do Norwegians build their own tables?

No Ikea!

7. Why did the coffee go to the police?

It got mugged.

8. How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.

9. I like to tell Dad jokes, but I don’t have kids.

I’m a faux pa.

10. I knew I shouldn’t have had the sea food.

I’m feeling a little eel.

11. What’s made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?

Trombones.

12. What do prisoners use to call each other?

Cell phones.

13. What lies at the bottom of the sea and shakes?

A nervous wreck.

14. What do you call an old person with really good hearing?

Deaf defying.

15. My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.

But I’m on a roll now.

16. A father in Iraq gave his daughter a new bag.

She said, “Thanks for the Baghdad.”

17. I wouldn’t buy anything with velcro.

It’s a total rip-off.

18. What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

Cliff.

19. How does Darth Vader like his toast?

On the dark side.

20. Can February March?

No but April May.

21. I’m the Norse god of mischief but I don’t like to talk about it.

I guess you could say I’m low-key.

22. Why did the scarecrow win an award?

He was outstanding in his field.

23. What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?

Royal tea.

24. Why couldn’t the bicycle stand on its own?

It was two tired.

25. What time did the man go to the dentist?

Tooth hurt-y.

26. What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?

Nina.

27. The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.

There’s absolutely no point to it.

28. There’s been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.

There’s nothing left but de Brie.

29. Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.

I woke up exhausted.

30. What are bald sea captains most worried about?

Cap sizes.

31. What does a house wear?

Address,

32. How does a penguins build his house?

Igloos it together.

33. Where do you learn to make ice cream?

At sundae school.

34. After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.

I needed a run up, but I made it.

35. Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table?

Sir Cumference.

36. As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said…

“You know, one would have been enough.”

37. If prisoners could take their own mug shots…

Would they be called cellfies?

38. Why do chicken coops only have two doors?

Because if they had four doors, they’d be chicken sedans.

39. Dogs can’t operate MRI machines…

But catscan.

40. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food, no atmosphere.

41. I got an e-mail saying, “At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!” and I thought…

“That’s just spam.”

42. When does a joke become a Dad joke?

When it becomes fully groan.

43. This graveyard looks overcrowded.

People must be dying to get in.

44. I can’t stand stair lifts.

They drive me up the wall!

45. My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.

He looked like he was running out of womb in there.

46. What has two butts and kills people?

An assassin.

47. What do you call a snowman with a six pack?

An abdominal snowman.

48. My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.

I couldn’t find the words to thank her.

49. “Always be yourself,” my Dad always said to me.

He was a great guy.

Rubbish actor though.

50. How many apples grow on a tree?

All of them.

51. What do you call an explosive horse?

Neigh-palm.

52. I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.

I watched it all unfold.

53. One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.

We don’t have Oleg to stand on.

54. A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you’ve walked.

Clever clogs.

55. I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.

You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.

56. What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?

Unstable.

57. I was going to tell you a joke about construction.

But I’m still working on it.

58. What type of magazines do cows read?

Cattlelogs.

59. A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.

Baa dum tssssss.

60. What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?

Quacks in the pavement.

61. What is the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire.

62. My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.

But I will recover.

63. Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours…

They called it a day.

64. A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.

Oof.

65. I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

66. On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, “Remember these two words. They’ll open a lot of doors for you in life.”

“Push and pull.”

67. I said to my wife, “I need to call the doctor today.”

“Which doctor?” she asked.

“No, the regular kind.”

68. A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!”

The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”

The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!”

69. What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?

Are you having a crisis?

70. Breaking a leg during an audition…

Ensures that you end up in the cast.

71. I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself…

Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.

72. My son just said to me that he doesn’t understand cloning.

I said, “That makes two of us”.

73. What does a nosey pepper do?

Get jalapeño business.

74. How do you make a Kleenex dance?

Put a little boogie in it.

75. Why was 2019 afraid of 2020?

Because they had a fight and 2021.

76. If a child refuses to sleep during nap time…

Are they resisting a rest?

77. When a woman is giving birth…

She is literally kidding.

78. My friend keeps saying, “Cheer up man, it could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

79. If you think Thursdays are depressing, wait two days.

It will be a sadder day.

80. What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta.

Hilarious Dad Jokes

  • Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
  • Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have nobody to go with.
  • What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant
  • What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho Cheese.
  • My friend has designed an invisible aeroplane but I can’t see it taking off.
  • Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tiring.
  • What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.
  • Want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it.
  • This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.
  • I built an electric fence around my garden and my neighbour is dead against it.
  • Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “do you know how to drive this thing?”
  • What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.
  • What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.
  • To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket… You can hide but you can’t run.
  • I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that’s just nuts
  • Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.
  • A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.
  • Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.
  • I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
  • Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.
  • I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.
  • What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos
  • People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks. We really need to raise the bar.
  • What do you call a shoe made of a banana? A Slipper.
  • How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
  • You know what actually makes me smile? My facial muscles.
  • I am reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can feel it.
  • Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up.
  • To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!
  • Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
  • I went to the store to pick up 8 cans of Sprite. When I got home I realized I’d only picked 7up.
  • When is a door not a door? When it’s ajar.
  • What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
  • I purchased a deodorant stick today, instructions say “remove cap and push up button” I can hardly walk but when I fart the room smells lovely.
  • What is the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.
  • To the person who stole my glasses. I will find you, I have contacts.
  • What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
  • 2 years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf, I haven’t heard from him since.
  • Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything!
  • As i suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.
  • After you die what part of your body is the last to stop working? Your pupils, they dilate.
  • How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor.
  • Dark is spelled with a C not a K because you can’t C in the dark.
  • Did you hear about the guy who cut off the left side of his body? He’s all right now.
  • What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
  • You know what the loudest pet you can get is? A trumpet.
  • What do you call someone with nobody and no nose? Nobody knows.
  • Based upon my shameful behaviour after drinking, I finally decided to quit drinking altogether. Now I drink alone.
  • How does a meteorologist go up a mountain? The climate.

Jokes for dads to their sons

Finally, we conclude our collection with this subtype of dad jokes, which is specifically written to be answered by a dad. If your son asks you one of these questions be prepared with these corny answers!

  • Son: Dad, did you get a haircut?
    Dad: No I got them all cut.
  • Son: Dad can you put on my shoes for me?
    Dad: I’ll try but they might not fit!
  • Son: Dad can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?
    Dad: No sun.
  • Son: Dad, can you put the cat out?
    Dad: I didn’t know it was on fire.
  • Son: I’ll call you later.
    Dad: Don’t call me later, call me Dad.
  • Son: Dad, I’m hungry!
    Dad: Hi Hungry, I’m Dad.
  • Son: How much do all of our bones weigh?
    Dad: A Skele-ton.
  • Son: How do I look?
    Dad: With your eyes.
  • Son: There’s something in my eye.
    Dad: Looks like an eyeball!

Dad jokes for the nature-loving dads

  • Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they’re shellfish.
  • Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watchdogs.
  • What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.
  • What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream.
  • My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean. I don’t know why she’s mad at me.
  • Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades.
  • How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while.
  • What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador.
  • Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.
  • What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.
  • What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks.
  • Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work.
  • What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
  • What do you call a fish with no eye? A fish.
  • Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: Solid, liquid, and gas.
  • What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato.
  • Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty.
  • I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me a protractor.
  • Can February March? No, but April May.
  • Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.
  • The rotation of the earth really makes my day.
  • My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point.
  • The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand it.
  • I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in.
  • I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there.
  • How do you steal a coat? You jacket.
  • Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?” I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
  • My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right.
  • If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?
  • What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two…
  • What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell-check.
  • I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes.
  • A friend of mine doesn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
  • Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door.
  • My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins.

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